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31 Mar 2013

Post 390: More happy thoughts


I will get round to the re-read and comment on my older blogposts, because I need to stop thinking about the future. Even if the past makes grim reading – at least I’ve survived that. I am terrified about the future – everytime I think about it I want to scream. Life is about making things happen and it’s very hard to make anything happen when you are someone who has no energy, little independence, can’t walk and has no physical attributes anymore. They say there’s more to life but feeling happy and well are physical attributes, not a mere state of mind. Being mentally tough only lasts so long, it is eroded by lack of change. One of the things that requires a different type of mental strength was just on Telly – the Boat Race. I really couldn’t give two shits about it these days, although it is fun sticking it to my parents, who both went to Cambridge. I applied and went to Oxford just to wind them up – I am not a natural antagonist, it just creates this artificial fizz – it is funny, because none of us really cares but it serves to elevate the partisanship. There’s probably some simple psychology that explains it, but I’m f*cked in the head, the apathy is strong with this one. Anyway Oxford won –HAVE SOME OF THAT!
Before that, I took my friend Frog out for lunch at the Bear. Now Frog and I got in touch when she saw one of my gumtree adverts for a carer many moons ago, she has helped me look for housekeepers/carers in the past and has always been honest with me, making me acutely aware of how important it is that people know how much they are appreciated if they give me the time of day. Being friends with anyone is about give and take and when disability severely reduces your ability to give in return for people helping, then it is through a complex combination of gratitude and friendly support and material shared things (ie lunches, gigs) that you do your giving. Frog told me last time we saw each other in 2011
That she had felt ‘a bit taken advantage of’ –well, I was mortified, I never want anyone to feel like that! But I guess I am grateful for her honesty and that she still gives me the time of day.
In other news, I think I may be ahead in the battle with Alcohol, by realising that drinking is only ever a sociable activity, I tried a few weeks of putting a double Scotch in my coffee and having the odd double bloody mary and I’ve nothing good to report. It’s not more enjoyable, it’s lots of extra money and calories and it’s no bloody good for you! I don’t understand how you can get physiologically addicted to a substance that gives you no immediate tangible benefit? It’s probably just my constitution that allows me that luxury. There are people out there who I know really wrestle with it. I will only ever be a social drinker – thank goodness! Social drinking will always be one of my favourite pastimes, in fact looking back at pictures of most of the social events I’ve been too since my stroke I’m hard pushed to find a single one where I don’t have a drink in my hand! Alcohol is a social shared pleasure (very rarely not in red wine form). FACT. The only exception I’ll make to this is taking a hip flask of Cherry Brandy to gigs – it saves on money and needing the loo which is a big victory!
On the subject of swigging from my hip flask at gigs the comedian at the gig I went to last night at the 140 capacity West End Centre in Aldershot, comedy Welshman Lloyd Langford, said to me from the stage ‘I can’t help noticing you slugging back something from a hip-flask – what you rockin? ‘ So I had to sheepishly admit Cherry Brandy, which met with his and the crowd’s approval. I’ve been to some really good things at the West End Centre in the last few years. It is stand up comedy at it’s visceral best, it is 5 minutes walk from Jose’s house so in future I’ll always try and get three tickets so he can meet us there.
Still on the subject of appreciating damn fine red wine, I have been fortunate to know Christian and his wife Terri (the Cheds) who come here (by train) approximately once a month for red wine, cheese and 3 episodes of Homeland. It is how grown-ups should enjoy themselves.
It feels vaguely sad being so gripped by TV drama series. Tomorrow, the 3rd Season of Game of Thrones starts, and I would challenge you to find a single ‘Thrones’ enthusiast who hasn’t planned their entire life around it. Sad, yes, we know. My mate Isabel, has even booked a babysitter so she can round here and watch it!

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