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28 Oct 2012

Post 373: We all need someone to lean on


Despite hating the Rolling Stones for the ticketing rip-off nightmare for their November gigs, I decided that I’d rather eat than even consider paying £406 for a ticket. It’ll be so RocknRoll that gig! A bunch of Septuagenarians, being watched by an equally ‘experienced’ crowd. Despite bringing it up again, it’s really not the end of the world. I said on facebook:

Now that I've found out the cheapest Rolling Stones tickets were £406 - I hope they all have heart attacks. I don't like thieves, given what I can do with my life - that feels a bit like someone holding a gun to my head. I'm probably over-reacting but f*ck off back to your chateau Mick

Someone said that I’d feel so bad if one of them did collapse – I said I thought I’d ‘cope’. I’m not some sort of Haitian witch doctor!

Although one man’s witch doctor is another man’s Dalai Lama or comedian. I’m such an apostate or ‘godless piece of meat’ as my last carer bravely called me via e-mail from his 3rd world bolthole in Bangladesh. I despise the way that ‘devout’ Muslims like him (well, he observed Ramadamadingdong) use such aggressive language despite saying that Islam is a peaceful religion. Animals and savages the lot of them (well, the radical ones who are all morons, they’re a bunch of backward women hating scum). And who honestly gives a sh*t if someone calls an inanimate object Mohamed. Gosh, aren’t I racist? Er no, I just don’t like people saying and doing stupid things in the name of something that’s obviously nonsense. This applies to all religions who don’t have a photo of god! But particularly to the ones that have quite a lot of killing and maiming done in their name.
The only religion I practice is getting out of the house, taking people to things, keeping in touch with friends and trying (sometimes unsuccessfully if I’m honest) not to ‘be a dick’. As far as I can figure we make friends throughout life because friends cheer us up, hence the Rolling Stones number ‘we all need someone to lean on’
Well we all need someone to lean on
And if you want it, well you can lean on me [ad infinitum]
‘Tis quite a funky number. I’ve calmed the f*ck down about the Stones now after – well, I wrote this on facebook:
I think without Irony, Muse at the Dome last night might have set a new benchmark for brilliance. I couldn't give a squat that they're a bit 'mainstream'
Well, it was awesome and I can’t really appreciate it properly which is slightly frustrating but it won’t stop me getting people to take me to these things being my life, it’s by no means ideal but withering away and dying isn’t really an option, too many people (myself included) have waded through too much sh*t since December 2005.
Last Night my partners in crime were my friend and mentor from my job at John Lewis, Simon Dawes and my adorable friend Chey

who just loves gigs – she even said that one of the main reasons for her coming over to this country from South Africa was so she could go to more gigs because bands don’t do overseas tours all that much. I suppose that makes London sound like a bit less of a shithole than I know it is! The Dome is a superb venue, from national white elephant/monstrous carbuncle to ‘the worlds favourite venue’ the arena is pretty damn sensational in terms of production and sound quality and if you’re disabled and in a wheelchair it’s pretty good. As I’m a sky customer, I was able to get access to a special bar.

As every pikey in the land values their sky subscription on a par with football the pikey count in this bar was high but it was not an unpleasant place to kill time before it kicked off at 9 (even if the doors opened at 630 (Rockstars clearly like to take their time) Our space in gangway 108 is pretty good.

For big panoramic music shows like this, it’s probably better than block 101 which is just off to the right hand side of the stage

I’m not saying this is the right way to live your life, just that this might be ‘best practice’ in these circumstances. At least I feel like I deserve to live, and at least I feel I have earned a lot of what sustains me, namely, my friendships , the income that helps me subsist and my living situation. I suppose my not ending up in a care home was a little lucky but I don’t feel like I’m a financial burden on anyone – crikey, I could even be a financial support. The reason I ‘rattle the cage’ of the more ‘right-on’ people I know is that it’s hard to feel you’ve got any common ground with people I believe are misguided. I don’t have an agenda, just a strong belief in verbally opposing any viewpoint that might have threatened my very survival or that of my friends and family since I had my stroke. I’m all about being able to survive in relative comfort free from fear, pain or fear of death (basically in stable civilised society) but I’m no bloody good at keeping my head down. Keeping your head down is dull. I had a little more hope after watching ‘Have I got News for you the other night. In the last 7 years, I have convinced myself that attractive girls, well, the type I find attractive, are all more shallow than even me, and are totally unmoved by intellect, manners and sense of humour despite what online dating profiles say– see what I’m saying about keeping my head below the parapet! Well the last seven years have taught me not to bother really because it’s a waste of effort. Just making friends has been a hard exercise but I heard that luscious ‘thinking mans crumpet’ Victoria Coren was engaged to David Mitchell and thought that somehow beauty and the beast

can happen. Now perhaps I am being unfair on Mitchell and projecting too much of his pathetic Peep Show character Mark Corrigan onto his actual persona but I dunno, his persona doesn’t suggest the kind of Don Juan you’d expect to be with the awesome Miss Coren.

I want to be the nugget of Gold that surprises some lucky lady. Well, I’m firmly in the ‘friend zone’ of several girls I adore and destined to get no further so I shan’t even bother trying. Isn’t it interesting, ironic and a bit tragic how you can be such good friends with someone of the opposite sex but wanting to be ‘better’ friends can result in you becoming mortal enemies? I’m having a Freudian catastrophe here!
So working backwards from the Muse epicness on Saturday. As is often the way having to book months in advance had yielded 4 events in 4 days, so Friday was an interesting one, I appear to have booked to see ‘Northern Monkeys’, Reverend and the Makers at Shepherds Bush Empire. My compatriots for the evening were my friend Ched – an old friend who’d I’d reconnected with on facebook after he’d stumbled across this blog. Him and his wife

Terri live locally and are entertaining and dependable despite being Vegetarians which is clearly the root of all evil in my world! My 2nd companion who lives locally to the Empire showed up two hours late but at least he showed up – ever disorganised, my mate Champ.

Unfortunately this gig fell on the weekend he was moving house. I can’t have made the poor man popular with his wife! Moving house and accompanying a disabled mate to a music gig are never going to make comfy bedfellows! But the gig was a good one, in the context of Muse at the Dome, this was chalk and Cheese. Observe It was fun though, and Champ occasionally saying ‘I’m liking this’ and his stories of seeing Reverend DJ-ing at Glastonbury ‘clearly off his tits’ were bloody funny. The Shepherds Bush Empire is a heroic venue to go to in a wheelchair because the nature of the venue means once you’re in place, you have to wait till well after the end to go to the loo, and having to hold on for two hours is not nice! But seriously, Ched and Terri’s attempts to live sustainably through growing their own food is to be applauded! The stories Ched tells of making Elderflower Champagne are particularly entertaining.
Cheds tales of sustainable veggie living are to be Applauded, yes, emulated, no! I don’t think my carnivorous carers will be trying it in a hurry! Yours truly would get pretty unhappy, pretty fast! On Thursday I went to see Irish ‘Mock the Week’ Presenter Dara O’Briain’s

stand-up show ‘craic dealer’at the Apollo,

a show title that Tesco had objected to because it might encourage Crack usage. There’s two things that have been crying out to be associated but Crack usage could barely hope for a better Slogan than ‘every little helps’ . My compadre for the evening was Graham,

a friend of a friend that I’m more than happy to have in my pool of mates willing to take me to an event. I wouldn’t survive without them! The night before, Wednesday, I had been to the Dome to see Scouse stand-up comedian John Bishop.

Now, I like Bish but I can’t help thinking his management are trying to make as much money as they can at the peak of his early popularity, it’s the same with Jason Manford. The only people who seem to be able to carry off Arenas are Peter Kay and Michael Macintyre and even then as Tim Minchin says ‘comedy is destroyed by arenas’... Given how side-splittingly funny Dara was on Thursday, I am now pretty convinced you don’t want to be seeing comedy in venues much bigger than the Hammersmith Apollo.
Going to all these events is all well and good but I find it particularly nice when one of my old friends takes advantage of time off and comes down to see me and it was just so on Tuesday when my old college mate Becky Morrison brought her twins down to Oxshott to have a bit of lunch and a bit of a catch-up. I have specially downloaded some Peppa Pig t keep the twins mesmerised. Becky told me this magic trick, not that I'm Jimmy Saville that Peppa Pig instantly subdues toddlers. It's witchcraft!


Anyway, thanks to everyone who's helped me survive another week, it's by no means a foregone conclusion! Apologies if this has been boring and too long!

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